This week I wanted to take a step back and discuss a subject that is really close to my heart. Something that has taken me a long time to accept and move on from, but now I finally feel like I am able to tell my story to help others feel that they are not alone.
On the 23rd of January 2014, I was unaware that my world was about to be completely shaken. Driving home from work I found myself in agonising pain which continued to worsen through the night. I took myself to the doctors where they turned me away and told me there was nothing wrong. I then spoke to my mum who told me the symptoms I had were on point with an ectopic pregnancy. Once she had said this I found myself researching it, and at that moment I knew that’s what was wrong. Driving to hospital was horrendously painful; even going over speed bumps was bringing me to tears.
Once we had arrived at the hospital I was told I needed a pregnancy test right away, and sure enough, I was pregnant. I fell to the floor in tears. I was told that I would have to wait until the next day to have a scan. So I had to sit all night knowing nothing other than the fact I was pregnant. Being alone with your thoughts is a dangerous place to be. The night was long and uncomfortable in the hospital bed, and it’s safe to say I didn’t get much sleep. The morning came round and even though I knew in my gut that it wasn’t going to be good news, a small part of me couldn’t help but be excited to see the scan. I kept telling myself to stop, but I just couldn’t. Then the worst moment of my life happened. The nurse told me that my Fallopian tube had burst and there was no baby. That was it. My life had turned into nothing but blackness within seconds.
Everyone came to see me after the operation, and everyone looked after me so well. You really do find out who your true friends are in such hard times. But the truth is, the physical pain that I endured was nothing compared to the emotional pain I was about to face for the next 6 months of my life. Some days were harder than others, and some days I felt totally insane. And I think it’s really important that people are offered proper support after such traumatising circumstances. The truth is, I’ll never get over what happened to me, however I do know that I get stronger every day that goes by. And I am finally starting to realise that things really do happen for a reason, and no matter how hard things seem sometimes, things always work out. And the reason I finally know these things is by realising it’s okay to need help. Depression is something that needs to be brought to people’s attention more often and not be hidden away from so much, because there are too many people suffering in the dark.
By Connie O’Neill
For more on depression and the power of the mind check out Issue V of Semple Magazine